Dear Friends,

This past December, I left rehab and moved into my own apartment! I've been spending the past few weeks/months trying to readjust to life on the "outside" and think I'm making a fairly good go at it. The only problem is I'm finding it hard to make any friends in this city. This has created its own mini-drama of a love/hate relationship with this city and its denizens. I've tried several different things to get to know people and start building a social support system but am having little luck. I thought of changing the name of this blog to "I HATE L.A." but it seemed terribly negative (eventho it would have been the truth) and "Homeless in L.A." is no longer correct.

So, I think it is time to bring an end to this chapter in my blogging life and start over elsewhere in an attempt to get to know myself better and make a way in this desolate wasteland of a city.

Thanks for all the comments over the past year. They've meant a great deal. Once I decide on my new blogging venture, I will post a link here in case anyone is interested.

And on this Easter day, I bid you peace. Alleluia! Christ is Risen!

As you can tell, it's been a VERY long time since I've posted. Bringing you up to date seemed a daunting task as so much has happened. However, thanksgiving seemed an appropriate time so here goes. Things for which I am thankful this year:

1. Sobriety. I have remained clean and sober this entire year. I took my one year cake back in June and I will celebrate 18 months of sobriety in December. Day by day, I feel more of the Parker I used to know and like coming back.
2. LAMP. As much as it has provided its frustrations over this past year, LAMP has given me a place to call home and a place of safety. If all goes according to plan, I'll be moving into my own apartment within the next 3 weeks. I'm excited about it as it's in a really nice building and in a nice part of downtown Los Angeles (YES, there ARE parts of downtown LA that aren't disasters.) It's approximately 8 blocks from LAMP so I'll be able to keep the job that they hired me to do back in September. Not only will I have my own home but I'll have a job. See, I told you that more and more of my life is coming back.
3. Anti-depressants. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I know what Tom Cruise says about them but they've saved my life in more ways than one. Besides, if Mr. Cruise had to live MY life, he might be singing a different song. (LOL!)
4. Protease Inhibitors. My TCells have fluctuated all year long and finally got to the point where the doctors did some resistance testing. It turns out I have a highly drug-resistant form of HIV. Most of the medications available for HIV won't work for me so they put me on a totally new cocktail. This happened about a month ago and I've been fighting a terrible battle of side-effects. But, I guess you have to pay the piper don't you?
5. Friends and family. I have tried numerous times this year to make formal amends with my ex-wife and children and my parents. They've all ignored my repeated letters. It's been hard not to lose hope but I KNOW I am going the right things in my life. They may pay off in the future but it might not happen while I'm alive. At least I'm trying to do the right things, right?
I still don't have a score of friends but several people at LAMP have become my family and I wouldn't trade them for the world. In some small way, things seem to be working in this way. I have people I can count on and people who depend on me. Isn't that what a family is, after all?
6. God. I don't want to sound corny, but God came back into my life in a very meaningful way this past year. I started attending St. James Episcopal Church in February and fell in love with the church and the people. It's a very affirming, progressive and loving church. I feel so thankful that I have this important part of my life back! I was confirmed in the Episcopal Church in October. Two of my friends from LAMP, Samir and Miss Dorothy (remember her from my earlier post this year?) both honored me by sharing the day with me.
7. Democrats took both houses of Congress in November! 'nuff said?

---I'm still "alone" in the sense that I'm still single and have no hope in sight of finding anyone new. Oh, I've tried but I still feel like I'm such damaged goods that no man could possibly find me with all of my scars attractive. (But, good news... I AM OVER Rick, finally.) Don't get me wrong, I've come to realize this year that there is much in me that is beautiful and valuable. If any of you has a nice single and fairly attractive gay male friend they'd like to set me up with, I'm more than willing to entertain offers. And to all of you who've written kind words thru this year, thanks! I have a lot to look forward to with anticipation as we seem to be fast approaching 2007.

I went for a walk tonight after dinner: It was a beautiful night. There was a brilliant full moon shining down and California had graced us with another comfortably mild evening. The smell of urine in the street assaulted my senses. I managed to trip over someone setting their tent up on the sidewalk for the night and was greeted with angry threats. One thought keeps coming into my head... "I'm NOT supposed to be here."I went to college. My parents worked hard to send me to private school. I was a Boy Scout. I was in the boy's choir. I was a 4-H'er. I was on the college debate team. I made the Dean's list. Sigh. If anyone shouldn't be here, surely it's me. But, I cannot wallow in my pity party for long without reminding myself that it's my fault I'm here and that people who make bad choices have to LIVE with the results. Am I being arrogant for feeling this way? I mean, after all, in some people's minds this is EXACTLY what I deserve. (I'm sure my ex-wife would be saying "I told ya so..." I'm so sick and tired of being here. I want out. NOW. (God, grant me patience and grant it NOW. LOL! I'm so sick and tired of being alone. I'm so sick and tired of being so isolated. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I actually tried this week to get 'out there' and connect with other people but I failed. I went to an AA group and an HIV+ support group. I didn't connect with anyone because I was too AFRAID to speak to anyone. That phenomenon is something new to me because I've always had self-confidence. I don't anymore. I think this whole experience has changed me in some negative way. I once preached to an audience of a 1,200 and felt no fear and now I'm afraid to speak to people? WTF? And this fear of speaking to people is a real catch 22 because I'm sick of being so alone but too scared or unable to do anything about it.I'm not used to this. I was raised to solve my own problems and overcome any difficulties. I managed to navigate myself through college when I didn't know anyone but I can't seem to navigate my way around putting people back in my life. I reckon it all comes down to how this has destroyed any sense of self. I don't know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and don't know who's staring back at me. I look at him and know all he is and all he is capable of and feel 'unworthy' and unattractive. I see all of my 'scars' and wonder how anyone would want anything to do with that. Most of all, for the first time in a very long time I feel unloved. Sitting here and writing, I think I've managed to narrow it down to that. Dear Reader, thank you for being there. Your presence has served a purpose in that you've helped me work through my emotions after a very trying week. I've tried and tried to put my finger on why I've been so down. I tried blaming it on missing Rick, but that's not it. I realize I miss the presence of someone in my life who (supposedly) loves me. Truth be told and all pride aside: I'm lonely. I need someone. I ride the bus and only come away discouraged because I'm around all these people and, yet, I'm alone. All alone. That's what happened when I went to the groups. It only reinforced the idea in my head. I so desperately wanted to grab someone, ANYONE and say "Can't you people see I'm hurting? Won't someone PLEASE HELP ME?" But, time and again, I walk away crying on the inside because no one has noticed...No one has noticed me. If you read my earlier posting you know I *wanted* to cry earlier this week and couldn't. Sigh. I wish I could because I have buckets of tears on the inside that really NEED to come out.

Somewhere over the past couple of years I lost my ability to cry. I don't know why, perhaps it comes from having cried so much over so many things I am tired of it. However, today was one of those days that I struggled to get through. I guess it's just the loneliness that keeps bringing Rick up, I dont' know. I'm just tired of being freaking alone. Sigh. Rick, altho he had his major faults did make me feel special. hell, he could look acrosss the room at me and I'd light up inside (all of you who've ever been in love know that feeling, don't ya?) I MISS lighting up inside. Just being with Rick made me feel special. Hell, walking with him in public, I was proud. Proud that he wanted to be with me. I guess I should be proud to be with me in my own right. But, charming guy that I am, I just don't make myself light up inside. I cry out to the universe: I'm tired of feeling this way. Won't somebody, something please 'rescue'me? Silly, huh? "Parker, no one's coming to rescue you. Just suck it up and deal with it." Try as hard as I might, I couldn't cry tonight. As much as I want to. Isn't there a song that says "I'm laughing on the outside but cyring on the inside"? That's what I was doing on the train tonight. I kept wishing someone could see that I'm falling apart and would say "It's gonna be alright." Remember when your mom would say that to you after you got hurt? I want my mommy.

ok, so good things DO come to those who wait...

Took my friend back to the doctor today and we walked by the firestation. My pulse quickened as I saw two firetrucks parked out front. If you read what I previously wrote on the subject you know what that means...FIREMEN! And you know what? There were actually two there milling about. My friend, enjoying my predicament stopped and spoke to one of them and he came out and had a conversation with us. Can I tell you this JUST became my very BEST friend?

Let's just say that it made for a VERY good day and now I'm looking for someone to buy me a fireman calendar. LOL. Ok, so I need HELP; we all have our weaknesses, don't we?